Happy Halloween

Hope you are all dressed to impressed and ready for an evening of fun and fright.  I am stuck in Vancouver, WA, listening to depressing songs, wishing I was elsewhere.  I hate being sick.  Being sick sometimes meant you got to stay home from school and watch cartoons.  After that you could beat Zelda and then maybe doodle or color in some books.  Remember those good old days of being sick?  The days when the shots the gave you made you cry and you swore to your mother that you weren’t really sick and would not miss another day of school.  I miss those sick days.

As we get older the sick days become so much more.  I cannot really complain about having the flu when others have it worse, but I have been on the darker side of the sick spectrum and battled my days with cancer and chemo.  The thing is whenever I get sick I feel like Im letting people down.

I remember when I found out I had cancer.  I cried, was shocked, got over it, and was ready to deal with whatever the doctors were going to do or tell me to do.  It did not cross my mind once that I may die, nor did I feel like I was dying. I simply felt as if a part of me had died and a new part was born.  The thing that bothered me most was the fact that I was letting a friend down.  Not just any friend, but my best friend.

Brit was moving to Austin, TX and I was going to make the 1078 mile trip with her across the SW and into the heart of Texas.  I saw stories that we would share with our kids coming out of that trip.  Driving for 10 hours, puling up to an old motor lodge, you know the ones where you park outside of your hotel door and sit in the white plastic chairs as you watch the cars pass on the interstate and armadillos cross the hwy.  We would drink cheap whiskey and wake up hungover only to eat a greasy breakfast, laugh, smoke a bowl, pick some tunes, and hit the road again.

We would laugh at nothing and nothing would laugh at us.  We’d get to Austin and not worry about unpacking because we were on a road trip that wasn’t going to end until I had to board my plane home.  We’d collect funny magnets at ridiculously decorated gas stations.  She’d have shot glasses, I’d have beer cozies.  We’d snack on chips and seeds and maybe even share a few cigarettes.  It would have been a much better end to the Summer of 2006 than finding out I had a fucking tumor and Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  This is what I thought about when I laid in that corner room at Sunnyside Kaiser waiting to hear if I had the “Good” Hodkin’s or the “Bad”  (Watch the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode on this if you havent already done so, classic Larry David).

It has been a long while since I have come down with a cold, flu, or any serious illness since my last chemo. Of course I had to come down with this awful cold, flu, fever, etc days before my trip to Flagstaff.  The first thing that came to mind was telling my best friends I could not be there with them.  Was it that big of a deal to them? Maybe not.  But the bigger picture is that we do not all get to be together in the same place as often as we used to.  I may see Brit for a week when she comes to visit, Megan and I may get drunk and wake up to broken trees and read the the newspaper over coffee and tunes, Sammy and I may wake and bake, take a walk around San Fran and get ready for another “Pete and Sam” party, but it’s rare that we all get to party like we used to.

It was hard not going to Flagstaff this morning.  Yea it was a shitty 5:45 a.m. flight but I would be with all my friends by breakfast.  I just couldnt do it and it made me sick to think I would not be there to build even greater memories to hole me over until our next rendezvous.  I am blessed with amazing friends, friends that know everything about one another and can count on one another’s support and advice to get through life.  Im just sad I cannot be with my friends on a day that is meant to spend with your greatest friends.  

I remember we all went to visit Sammy in San Fran one year and got FUCKED UP!  We were dressed as random weird people and just partied. We did mushrooms and walked in the rain, we ate shit, drank shit, danced, laughed, got shitty, and loved one another.  Brit, Pete Hitt, and I feel asleep in the doorway of Sam’s apartment, yes the fucking doorway.  The same doorway that people were using to go in and out of during Sam’s party, haha.  I guess I just miss the days of getting together with those closest to you and not worrying about a thing.  Those days are few and far between, but it’s alright, these are just backwashed thoughts that many of you may not understand in my gloaming.  

We are just special in other ways, ways that our mothers appreciate. (BTS Kicked It In The Sun).

I get to see Megan soon, my flight will allow me to go to Flag in the next few months, Sam will be here for my birthday, and maybe, just maybe, we can all meet on New Years.  I think it is safe to say that Halloween isn’t as fun as it used to be.

Happy Halloween.

 

LOVE,

PO

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