The Big City?

There is one thing that comes with age and it is wisdom.  Many of us think of wisdom as something that comes with white hair and crows feet around the eyes.  Maybe it came with my travels, conversations with all walks of life, or my bout with cancer, but I finally feel like I am making wise choices in life.

It started last week.  I chose not to go to Flagstaff because I was ill.  Before I would be on that plane, warming myself up with whiskey, awaiting a sleepless weekend with friends, regardless of my health.  I woke up Monday feeling better, and looked back thinking, why couldnt I have made these simple decisions before?

I sat all day Monday looking back at the decisions I made over the course of the last seven years.  Did I have any regrets?  Absolutely not.  Would I do things differently If I could turn back time?  In some cases, yes.  Where would I be today if I had chosen not to board that Continental Airlines flight to Costa Rica Christmas night 2001?  Would I have finished school at Hofstra or NYU or would I have lived to regret not boarding that plane for the tropics in the winter?  How much of this was shaped by my parent’s divorce?  All of these questions came to mind.

What I then proceeded to do was take a look at all the things I would not have lived through had I chosen the road more traveled.  I would not have gone to Cuba.  I may have not learned how hard love can be.  I would not have grown with one of my best friends.  I would not have lived in a beautiful apartment in LA, nor would I have flown to Europe twice in a year on a whim.  Within all of these life ventures I have come to be who I am today.  I have learned from my mistakes and have tried to mold myself into the person I see as Peter.

Either route I had taken I believe I would be the same person I am today, I just would have come to certain realizations at different points of my life.

So now comes the big question.  “Should I stay or should I go?”  I have justbeen asked by one of my best friends to move back into the big city.  Do I want to? Yes.  Everything in me is telling me to go and live life.  The thing is I am tired of living life without having any meaning or sense of accomplishment.  If I were to move it would be January 1.  What would I do?  Can I find a job, transfer, and afford to make this move?  Maybe.  But why not stick with something for awhile?  I have continually wanted change and have not allowed my life to move forward as quickly as I have wanted it to.  I need to be patient and wait for those rewards that come with hard work, dedication, and passion.  The fun and continual change will follow.

Why wouldnt I leave Vancouver, WA for the big city and a new life?  Why?  I need to finsih to what I committed to here.  One thing that I am infamous for is not finishing what I have committed to for myself.  I am great and committing to others and showing them the hard work, dedication, and passion I just mentioned, but I have to do this for myself now.

I use to see this as being selfish, but now I see it as a neccessity.  Being selfish for the short term can allow me to give more to others in the long run.  I need to stay here and continue to grow before moving to a city with too many people searching for who they want to be in life.  I want to get to the city knowing who I am.

I have a good thing going here, and I have thrown a good thing away far too many times.  Ive got a beautiful nephew who feel asleep in my arms for the first time last Sunday.  There is nothing more heart warming than holding your kin in your arms knowing you will share this moment with them years later when they hold their own.  School is going great.  I am almost done and my journalism is coming around full swing.  I have lined up some amazing interviews for profile pieces and just realized how much I love the idea of writing for a career.  Getting an MBA is just as important, but it is crucial to have a passion along the way.  My family is here and my home is here.  I knoow it always will be, but I need a little more time home after running away for so long back on that monumental Christmas night.

I thought about this Ben Fold’s song Monday.  If you havent heard it give it a listen.  I remember Rees and I used to drive down to Princeton on the weekend and sing as loud as we could down the turnpike, smoking Parliments and playing the dashboard piano.  These good times will come again.

well i thought about the army
dad said, son you’re fucking high
and i thought, yeah there’s a first for everything
so i took my old man’s advice
three sad semesters
it was only fifteen grand spent in bed
i thought about the army
i dropped out and joined a band instead
grew a moustache and a mullet
got a job at chic-fil-a
citing artistic differences
the band broke up in may
and in june reformed without me
and they’d got a different name
i nuked another grandma’s apple pie
and hung my head in shame
i’ve been thinking a lot today
i’ve been thinking a lot today
oh, i think i’ll write a screenplay
oh, i think i’ll take it to LA
oh, i think i’ll get it done yesterday
in this time of introspection
on the eve of my election
i say to my reflection
god, please spare me more rejection
’cause my peers, they criticize me
and my ex-wives all despise me
try to put it all behind me
but my redneck past is nipping at my heels
i’ve been thinking a lot today
i’ve been thinking a lot today
i’ve been thinking a lot today
i thought about the army…

For those of you in San Fran or LA go watch him live next week.  Well worth admission. Great storyteller.

Thu, 11/13/08
08:00 PM
The WarfieldSan Francisco, CA    
Fri, 11/14/08
08:00 PM
The WilternLos Angeles, CA    

1 Comment

Filed under Friends, Me

One response to “The Big City?

  1. peter, i love you and completely understand.
    things are working out….for the both of us. patience will prevail. im gonna keep the apartment and of course, you always have a place here, whenever and wherever i am. loveloveloves!

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